I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
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DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend