when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
You Might Also Like
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
Love this guy
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys