I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
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me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
I can also cook 😂
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
[loses house key, starts a new life]