My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
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Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
Bless you
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard