I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
You Might Also Like
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
I hate everything
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
“Theirye’re” problem solved
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.