Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
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[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.