walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
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Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …