My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
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My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
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I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.