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Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
How all things should be taught/explained.
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.