vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
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Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime