*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
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SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.