When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
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If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
Best seat on the street 😍
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.