2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
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vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass