Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
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i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
im 7 sauces long
#Caturday
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin