Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
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me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
You know…for fall…
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?