*pronounces injury like lingerie*
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If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts