I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
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You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.