As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
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Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
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Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
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Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out