The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
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My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
A ghost story
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool