“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
You Might Also Like
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
men, we mow at sunrise.
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
Friends that check up on you >
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
Money is the root of all wealth
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically