Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
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[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.