I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
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me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh