Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
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Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
uncle dave has been through hell
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
Terribly Tuesday.
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger