Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
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The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.