If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
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replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
Not today
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what