Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
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Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken