To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
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My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
Best spot.. 😅
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.