Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
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My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.