The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
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Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.