Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
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If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.