Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
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1 Psychic.You know who you are.
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
i did the math
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
Candid photo of me, eating chips.