the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
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Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
You learn something every day
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
i meant to share this earlier
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.