My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
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Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again