I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
You Might Also Like
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
Growing out my freckles.
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.