Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
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Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
Gods work.
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.