I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
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Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot