I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
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I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
Well, shit
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster