If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
You Might Also Like
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
Lol #dogsoftwitter
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching