4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
You Might Also Like
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
Thank you corporation very cool
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
Godspeed, John Glenn
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?