Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
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Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious