If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
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Well, that should do it
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)