Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
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*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up