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Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
What the hell is going on?
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future