I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
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My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars