If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
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Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.