Time heals everything 🙂
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I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
goldfish mafia
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
There is no “we” in pizza
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”