People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
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Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?