Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
You Might Also Like
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
My last name is Zilla.
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know