Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
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“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
This dude got his own movie?
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???