Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
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Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*